Hair today...

I had my hair cut just the other day.It is the exact same hairdue that I have had for nearly 7 years now. Well, technically, it is not a hairdue. It is what happened by being bald for a brief time and then letting it grow long and then asking my haircuttingperson to cut of about yay much.

Anyway, when you start getting hair in your mouth when you eat, that is how you know that it is time to get a haircut. So, I called upon Delilah, of Delilahs Haircutting and Violinrestringing Boutique. I get my violin restringed and my hair cut at the same time. Brilliant. But, apparently she doesn't do housecalls anymore. There was an... Incident. Apparently, violinrestringing is some sort of euphemism over in New Ginsburgh. That is the next town over. Those people are weird. Her latest add reads "Delilahs haircutting and violinrestringing boutique: I do not have sex with people for money!". So, I had to call upon the new guy. Now, Delilah has cut my hair since I was about five years old, so finding a new haircutter is tough. When my uncle Sammy needs a haircut, he just sends a guy over with his hair, but that is not an option for me.

I accept no less than 10 years of experience with haircutting and a graduation with honors from the International Institute of Haircutting. Apparently, the first one is no problem, since I.I.H. shut down in 1985. The problem is actually finding one, since people, for some reason, tend to leave the Institute of their resumes. I guess that it being placed in the Soviet-Union tends to scare customers away. That pretty much left me with two options: Harold Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and Floyd, whose last name I didn't quite catch. So, I just call him Floyd, the Guy Who Cuts My Hair.

A secret sees the light of day.

Hi. Ashley here. You might remember me from the occasional part in the continued story of the laziest man on earth. Julia was typing up old tapes, as [Name Deleted as per subprogram A113] tends to have her do when he is watching TV and wants her out of the way. I swear, that guy has tapes for everything. I mean, I have seen transcripts of conversations where I had no idea that he was taping. I think that he might have recorded everything he said or did from the last decade. Even if he didn't bother to log out of blogspot. So, anyway, I heard portions of a tape, that I think should be shared with you. He already prepared todays post, so I have exchanged it with this one.

Apparently, he has written a program to prevent his real name from being known, for some reason, even if he has no problem using mine, Marks and Julias names. So, I am just gonna call him... Young. As to make the transcript readable.

Mark: 'Sup, man.
[Beat]
Young: I have no respons for that. Julia?
Julia: "'Sup."
Young: 'Sup.
Mark: Hey, do you remember that girl that sat in front of us in class, next to that other girl.
Young: Left or right?
Mark: Left.
Young: Can't say that I do.
Mark: No wait, right.
Young: Oh yeah, the cute one with the glasses.
Mark: Yeah, I ran into her in town. She asked about you.
Young: Me?
Mark: Yeah, what you are up to, these days.
Young: What did you say?
Mark: I told her that you were arrested for a crime so weird that the judge had to option but to give you permanent house-arrest.
Young: How did she react?
Mark: About how anyone would react to finding out that guy they might ask out is not legally allowed to leave his house.
[Beat]
Young: Julia?
Julia: She said "Oh... Tell him I said hi, or, don't, or... Nevermind" and left before Mark could ask if he should give you her number.
Mark: Word for word.
Young: Orw!
Julia: Who is she?
Mark: Gretchen? A cute girl from school. Wore glasses. He had a crush on her. And I think that he could have had her, if he had not been shy.
Julia: Hey, mind if I ask you something personal.
Young: Yeah, but you are gonna ask anyway.
Julia: You can't stand germs, right?
Young: Right?
Julia: You wash hands twice an hour.
Young: Correct.
Julia: You bath a minimum of once a day, more if you think you need it.
Young: Yep.
Julia: You hate sweat.
Young: Where are you going with this.
Julia: Still, you have had sex...
Mark: Hey, yeah. Something is wrong, here.
Young: I am not sure what you are implying.
Mark: How are you able to have sex when you are afraid of just about everything that it involves.
Young: ...
Mark: Hey, get away from that taperecorder! This should be saved for posterity.
Young: I'll save it for your posterity! Gimme that!
Mark: If you can reach it, short stuff.
Julia: Hey, if you haven't had sex, what does Denby think that you did with his daughter.
Mark: Why does he think that you had sex with her?
Young: ...
Mark: You told him that you did, didn't you?
Young: No I... Hey, The Daily Show is on.
Julia: Why would you do that?
Mark: Wait, so those conquest stories that you told me...
Julia: Oooooh...
Mark: Oh what?
Julia: Nothing...

Then Young starts blabbering about the Daily Show, which, basically, should have been todays post. Afterwards, Mark starts singing "Like a virgin", or, he sings the title again and again, apparently because he doesn't know more than that bit. And Julia keeps reassuring that Young that there is nothing wrong with it while Young is explaining the ickyness of sex ("too many fluids and germs and sweat and yuck"). And I decides to be here Monday at 11.59 AM, to see his reaction when this post goes up.

A Marked Man part 2

Some of you might have read about the explosion at the poster factory. Mark says "sorry" and that he didn't mean to. He is saying something about domino, but his head is currently deep inside my couch, so I can't hear it quite clearly.

However, he claims to have no knowledge of the fire in the self defence class.

A marked man

Ashley and Julia went to a selfdefence class, and, as it turns out, a poster of Mark is used as the image of sex offenders. He did some investigation, and it turns out that not only does a former girlfriend work at the posterfactory, another former girlfriend is the teacher in their class. It has really cut into his dating-life and various sorts of lady-pick-upping... Up picking of ladies... What ever the correct grammatic tense is, he aint gettin' any. Which somehow becomes my problem, because he gets stressed and when he gets stressed, he gets annoying. He gets all this pent-up energy, which manifests itself in being like he was when we were 16 years old. And if you spend any time around 16 year olds, you will know that they are jerks. So he has been spending much of his time at my place, playing gamecube and prankcalling people. And he is getting Julia to bring cookies and lemonade, and saying "Thank you, Mrs. S", which is odd as Julia is neither a Mrs. or has a surname beginning with S. So, tonight, Mark is gonna break into both the self defence class and the poster factory and destroy all images of himself.

Don't worry, I already called my lawyer, Ron, to go down and bail out Mark first thing in the morning.

From my taperecorder

Julia - No, you can't.
Me -  Yes I can.
Julia - But you are not from the american south.
Me -  Being a southern gentleman is a state of mind.
Julia - That is the most northern state.
Me -  Hm? No, I said "mind". State of Mind.
Julia - Can't you just be a gentleman.
Me - Haven't I always been a gentleman?
Julia - You spent all day yesterday shooting spitballs at Denby.
Me - He had it coming.
Julia - What about...
Me - He pitched a dang tent on the curb. Look at him, looking at me, the creep.
Julia - You are not from the south and you are no gentleman.
Me - Alright, tell you what. If I can be a southern gentleman, you can be a southern belle.
Julia - ...Really?
Me - Sure.
Julia - Like Vivian Leigh?
Me - Yeah, only, you know, not mentally ill.
Julia - Yeah. I'm going to dance and dance!
Me - You do that.
Julia - Tonight I wouldn't mind dancing with Abe Lincoln himself!
Me - Girl, I said, girl, dat boy is a yankee, and y'all best stay aways from him.

And we continued like that for a couple of hours.