Ah, Ziggy, will you ever win?

Ziggy is one of these strips that are not only lame, but seem to revel in the fact. The maincharacter, Ziggy, is a guy who, supposedly, is a born loser, a guy who can never win in the game of life. I dunno, most strips that I have seen with him is about him looking on in quiet sadness while others around him are being jerks or coming with unreasonable demands. Or, occasionally, reasonable demands, while Ziggy looks on in quite sadness. Anyway, this is simple, a bad joke. Or perhaps I am missing some sort of layer. Ziggy is giving Polly a cracker, Polly would like it to be softer, because it had some, I guess, stale pizza last night. So, I have to come up with some sort of improved punchline.

Here we go. Ziggy is being mugged by a parrot. What a born loser he is. Will he ever win? Not while I am on watch, buster.

A little something about copyright.

First, a little thing. I was thinking, technically I suppose that I am breaking copyright, but I found the fair use law:

the fair use of a copyrighted work, including such use by reproduction in copies or phonorecords or by any other means specified by that section, for purposes such as criticism, comment, news reporting, teaching (including multiple copies for classroom use), scholarship, or research, is not an infringement of copyright

So there. What I am doing here is criticism. Nobody has called me on it yet, saying "Hey, mister, this is violation of the copyrightlaw", but I throught it best to get it out of the way. I guess that it could go for satire too, but I should be protected.

Wassat I hear about no updates?

I want to update this blog more. I am not sure what is happening. I guess that I either got bored of fixing comics or if comics were pretty sensible these few days. Marvin continues with its "Pregnant people are fat" joke-substitutes. But, fear not, if I find bad comics, I will fix them. Or I will write something else.

Summing up a week of Marvin

Marvin has apparently decided to spend the entire week on a joke that was not funny the first time. Allow me to sum the entire week of Marvin into a single line:

"You know that you are pregnant when you are really fat".

That's it. Not much to do about that. I suppose that I could come up with a few alternate lines.

You know that you are pregnant when your favorite food is tuna in chocolate.

You know that you are pregnant when you are convinced that your neighbours plan to use your child as a sacrifice to satin.

You know that you are pregnant when... uhm, Danny Devito are giving your physicals.

Alright, I admit, my knowledge of pregnancies are slim, but "Pregnant people are fat" is still not a joke, no matter how you word it.

Trying in vain to fix Herb and Jamaal.

Where to begin. First, let me outline where this strip goes wrong, over the course of the four panels.Oooh, this is bad. Panel 2 is a forced line, because the writer probably throught of the gag first. And I use the word "gag" as in "Gag me with a spoon". Panel 3 and 4, he cut the punchline in half because he could not make it fill 4 panels. And not even a good punchline. In fact, shouldn't it actually leave a stain? Perhaps it could have burned through his shirt?

Let us try to put the comic into other mediums. Let us make it a bit from a novel. I don't know who is who in the comic, but there is a 50% chance that I am right, unless it is a Barney Google thing, and Jamaal left the strip in 1975. Anyway:

Herb coughed and made a face.
-Man, this coffee is strong, he said.
It tasted as if it had been made with a bucket full of coffeebeans and a spoonfull of water, and had been boiling for two days. The kind of coffee that one could place a paperweight on, without it sinking. Jamaal poked his head out from the kitchen.
-Could you tell that by its taste? He asked.
Herb shot him an angry stare.
-Ofcourse I could taste it, you idiot. How else would I have known that it was strong? What are you, retarded? He was yelling, at this point, partly due to Jamaals incredible idiocy, partly due to the scolding burns he had gotten when he spilled coffee on himself.

Oh, wait, that was not how it went. That was how it went in my mind. The comic went on to a stupid joke.

Lets try to make it into a standard joke.

A man goes into a bar. He says to the bartender "I will have a cup of your strongest coffee". The bartender abides and gives him a really strong cup of coffee. The man pours the coffee on his shirt. He says, "Not strong enough". The bartender gives him an even stronger cup of coffee. The man again pours the coffee out on his shirt. "No, still not strong enough". The Bartender gives him the strongest coffee that the maker is able to make. Again, the man pours the coffee on his shirt. The bartender asks, "Why are you pouring the coffee on your shirt?". The man says, "If I get a really strong cup, maybe it will disolve these coffeestains on my shirt". The bartender looks at him and says "You idiot, it doesn't work like that, you are just going to get more and more stains!".

Whoa, maybe I should have stopped the joke a line earlier. Not that it is any funnier.

Let me tell you about Herb and Jamaal. I am not a regular reader of Herb and Jamaal, but I got the Houston Chronicle comic thingie on full, and this is one of the comics they got to offer. Herb and Jamaal is a serious so afraid to take chances that he fails to spectacularly in doing anything. For example, there was a strip some time ago "Did you hear about that rich heiress" or some sort. So afraid to actually name her, probably because they think that it will date it. And "Did you see that new romantic movie in the cinema?". As if it was so hard to come up with even a phony romantic movie title. Here, let me show you. Ahem: Burning Hearts. In Love in Lissabon. Trust and Love. Three perfectly good titles, instead of some vague suggestion of a current movie.
Look at Garfield. No references to when it takes place. It could take place in 1978 or it could take place today. No vague references to something current. They might not take many chances, but they do it with style, down at Pawn Inc. Herb and Jamaal is on a fools quest for timelessness, but it will never win.

I have been trying to fix it for two days now, but, dammit, it is not easy when three quarters has to go. This was what I came up with.If you can't read it, the strip now goes:
Herb (I have chosen to presume that the small one is Herb": Man, this coffee is strong!
Jamaal: I throught you liked it strong.
Herb: Yes, but I spilled some on the floor. It started smoking, grew a beard and said it was heading for Cuba.
Coffeestain: Call me Papa.

Hemingway jokes, that is what the kids want, right? It is not perfect, but it blows the lame punchline of the original strip out of the water. I did not want to come up with a new punchline. I would have been more than happy, had there been a way to make the original punchline funny. I know, I gave Marvin sort of a pass yesterday, but it was my first strip. From now on, no strip leaves here not funny. Or at least funnier than it arrived.

Let us try something: Let us fix Marvin.

I was thinking, perhaps I could fix comicstrips that are broken. Or, not broken, but which suffers from problems in pacing, maybe a forced punchline, or maybe a forced leadup to a punchline. Maybe a joke that needs a little help to be moved along. I might try this little comic-experiment for a few weeks. If I enjoy it, I will continue with it, if not, bah to that.

The reason that I try this is, as far as I know, there are no comic-strip fixers. There were the Comic-Strip Doctor, who that was more a commentary on the series of strips, and a little fixing.

Now, my method will be, I will try to save the comic strip. I will not butcher it. I will try to keep as much of it intact as possible, and only rewrite parts if it is absolutely necessary. Like a doctor. If there is no way out, I will attempt complete reconstructional surgery.

Let us begin with a Marvin. I liked this strip when I were a kid, but now it bores me. In todays Marvin, we join the whatevertheirnameis, as the husband sneak up behind the wife.

Now, the flaw here is, the middle panel is forced, to give the wife a set-up for the joke in panel 3. I don't think that the first question would be "What are you going to call it?". As if the name would be the most important thing, right now. Ideally, it would not take place in front of the computer, but near the phone, while the wife joyfully told her husband that "Baby Babble"(?) just called, and that they wanted her to write a humourous column. Which brings me to another thing, in yesterdays strip, it was said that she had written a single romance novel, so why is she being asked to write a humourous column? As far as they know, she has no sense of humour. Come to think of it, as far as we know, she has no sense of humour, but that is besides the point. Let us see if we can save it.

Excuse me for the crude writing in panel 3, but I am not used to writing with my Wacom. See what I did? I cut a frame, and I expanded her line in panel 3. I think that it flows much better. Still, look at the eyes. They don't really look excited, do they? The eyes are a cheap ploy to trick people who are looking for Garfield. The husband even almost wear the same clothes as Jon Arbuckle. So let us fix the eyes, so they don't look bored, like, "Whoop-ti-doo, you write a column for preggies, what's for dinner?"

That should do it. I think that it is paced better, and the characters look interested. It is still not really funny, but, hey, it is Marvin, so what did you expect?

My quest for a new genre for the blog continues.

So, I had a brief relapse, into territory that I had previously promised not to venture into again: Opinions on a current affair. But no more. I want it changed. Comedy, that is where the gold is. Current opinions is fools gold. No, rocks. No, wait, it is sand that sort of looks like a rock, but it disintegrates into sand when you touch it. Yeah, that's right. Sand. If I want it, I can get it any time, but I really don't want to. And it usually gets into places where it is most unwelcome. Stupid beach.

So, I have a few ideas as to how the blog is going to be, but I will keep them to myself for now. When I decide on a direction for the site, I might tell you the other ideas. So, see ya around.

I know that I said enough with the editorials, but bear with me.

Alright, you clowns, I have had it, with this Mohammed drawing thing. I am talking to you, muslims. Threatening a cartoonist to the death because he drew your profet? What is a matter with your? Are you insane? Well, yes, you pretty much have to be, in order to be willing to kill people because of your religion.

Why are you so insecure? You have a long history of inventing stuff, down there in the middleeast. You have had a long and glorious influence on world culture. Is it because you are afraid? You think that you are being pushed out? Well, if you are being left behind by the western world and the rest of asia, perhaps it is because you have not shown much interest in evolving as a society, instead laying all of your eggs in the basket that is religion.

That is the whole problem, isn't it? Religion is your whole thing, it is really all that you have to offer. And you know it. So you overcompensate by protecting it with all that you got. But don't be like that. The muslim world has got plenty to give, if you will just let yourself loosen up. Religion is not everything. Put at least some of your eggs over in the "technology" basket.

Yes, we reprinted the cartoons, and we should reprint them every single day for a hundred years, just to show you that we will not bow down, that we will never surrender, and we will never shut up. Even if there is only one dane left, and all the drawings have been destroyed, he will reconstruct them from memory and nail them to every lamppost in the world.

I have decided to change direction for this website.

I think that I need to move it over into a more comedy oriented style. I have a couple of funny posts, but I would like some more. I was thinking a sit-com blog, or perhaps something to do with comics, without stepping on the toes of the brilliant Joshreads.com, of which I am a regular reader and poster. Or maybe something like the fantastic RiffTrax blog. That is definently something that I need to experiment with. Get all this politics out of the way.

I have not really been happy with that direction that the blog has been taking. It was supposed to be a way to get me to write more, but I need to take a specific direction now. All this random stuff, I am not happy with it. Looking over the blog, it appeared to be either politics or comedy, and frankly, if I have to write something several times a month, something that I would want to show to others, I would like it to be comedy.

So, I am off to find out what I want to do with my blog. I would like to continue it, but I want it to be something that I would want to read my self.

Catch you later on down the trail.

Who died and made you the king of art?

Seriously, what gives you the right to say "That is not art" or "My five year old could do better"?

Are you there, reader, it's me, Lord-z

I realized the other day. I have no idea if anyone is reading this. I honestly don't care if anyone is. I am writing just to write. I am writing for me.

Though I am curious. If you are there, just wave. And yell, "Hiya, Z". It is pronounced like "set", by the way. Oh, I am in Denmark, so if you are not in the vicinity, shout really loud.