Operation Rockin' Out

Ashley: What the hell is that noise? Is that Led Zeppelin?
Young: Denby. He is trying to smoke me out, Noriega style.
Ashley: But you love Led Zeppelin. You once tried to lure Jimmy Page over here, by writing him a letter claiming that there would be groupies and cocain in the diningroom.
Young: I was a fool. He has enough of that at home.
Ashley: But Denby doesn't know that?
Young: If he did, I wouldn't be rockin' to the Zep right now. After this one, it is some Van Halen, and after that some Guns'n'Roses, and then it is noon and the neighbourhood rules say that you are not allowed to play rock loudly after that on a saturday.
Ashley: So it is not really that effective, since he can only do it on saturdays, between nine and noon.
Young: I learned a couple of new bands. I never really liked Ozzy before. And I never heard anything by ZZ Top. They are pretty good, actually. Metallica still sucks, though. So I yelled out, "I love Metallica", and he hasn't played any since.
Ashley: What if I want some U2, for example?
Young: Don't you dare. While I like U2, they are not exactly hard rock. This is my Rockin' Mornin'. A fitting replacement for Saturday Morning Cartoons, since they stopped showing good cartoons.
Ashley: Lets rock.

Rent-a-Room

Ashley: I got this really big huge pretty-please-with-sugar on favour I need to ask.
Young: Ask away.
Ashley: You got this empty room that you don't use, right?
Young: I got two of them, why?
Ashley: Well, my parents sort of own the house I live in now, and now that I earn well, they either want me to buy it or leave so they can sell it. And I can't afford to buy and maintain a house, even if I earn pretty well, and I have been looking for apartments, but they are all a million miles away, or real crapholes, meaning that I would have a two hour commute to work or live in a craphole, but if I rent from you, I stay in town, with a fifteen minute drive.
Young: Oh, alright, Julia will hand you the official renters manual.
Ashley: Renters manual?
Young: Yes. A 350 page tome of rules, regulations, pricing, cleaning scheduals, dog walking scheduals, and music and words I do not tolerate under my roof. And if you plan on having sex, we need to be notified, to prepare ourselves for the oncoming storm of potential sex-noises. Moans, slaps, strange noises, what have you.
Ashley: Fine. Deal. Whatever. Wait, you wrote a 350 page manual just for Julia?
Young: Don't be silly. Julia is not a renter. She gets free room and board. Because she works for me.
Ashley: Alright, yes.
Young: Sign here. Excuse me, the door is ringing. Come in.
Mark: My girlfriend kicked me out.
Ashley: You lived with your girlfriend?
Young: You had a girlfriend?
Mark: No, I didn't live with her. We were together for a week. Then we broke up, and she sued me for Palimony. Got everything. All I got are these clothes and this TurboGrafx. She didn't want it.
Young: Can I have that TurboGrafx?
Mark: Sure, go right ahead. Can I crash here, for a while?
Young: Yeah, I think I got a spare room. Ask Julia for a renters manual.
Mark: Right. But if I hear as much as a single joke about me being a "rentboy", I will pound your head so hard that you will get a headache whenever you sit down.
Young: You can't. Ashleys contract clearly states that she will protect me against any and all harm, as long as she lives under my roof.
Ashley: What?
Mark: She lives here too now?
Young: Yes, two different people ask if they can rent a room for me, on the same day, minutes apart. If I did not know better, I would say that this was the work of a tired hack writer, desperate for more situations in which to put his characters.
Ashley: I will bring my stuff over, or, the stuff there is room for.
Mark: I got my stuff in this trashbag.
Young: Take the room on the left.
Mark: Left?
Young: Right.
Mark: Right?
Young: Shut up and go to your room.
Mark: To the left or right?
Young: Left.
Mark: Right.
Young: Left.
And so we continued for a few minutes, until we felt that the joke had run out of steam.

Those who can't...

Ashley: You would not believe the day I have had.
Young: Welcome in, Ashley. Sit down next to me. Have a beer, tell me about it.
Ashley: I am already sitting next to you with a beer, telling you about... Oh, you. Anyway, I was told that it was not enough to swear and insult students, even though that is a big part of my job, I told him that in no uncertain terms. I have to give them something practical to do, so that I know they are doing progress. So, I had them write a paper on ancient babylonian insults.
Young: Were they big on insults?
Ashley: Yeah. There are stacks of books on the subject. I skimmed one of them, and they were filthy, those babylonians. My mom would have washed their mouths with soap, all of them, and she is a woman who casually drops f-bombs and c-words left and right. She even invented her own swear word, so nasty that I am saving it for third year students. Anyway, today the papers were delivered.
Young: So why aren't you correcting papers right now?
Ashley: Why would I do that? I got TAs to do that.
Mark: What, you give someone a peek and they do your work? Ow, that hurt.
Ashley: Teachers Assistant, and you know that. I don't want to swear, since I hate to work at home, but you should know better than to crack jokes like that.
Mark: You get it? I was talking about...
Ashley: I get it, don't make me punch you.
Mark: Because TA sounds like T'n'A, which is short for-
Ashley: I hope you learned something from that punch. Dude? Lazy, knocked-out jerk.
Young: You have to clean up after that.
Ashley: Aw, but it is his blood.
Young: You knocked it out of him.
Ashley: Aw...

Crazy like a Fox

Julia: Who is that crazy guy on TV.
Young: Hm? What channel are you watching.
Julia: Fox News, it says.
Young: What guy is it? No, it doesn't matter. All of their hosts are the same. Let me explain...
Julia: I was just flipping between channels during commercials. Friends begin again in two minutes.
Young: Just long enough for me to finish my point. See, a stable of comedy, or any entertainment, is the character. Someone other than themselves for the audience to connect with. The three stooges had the Leader, the Follower and the Fool. Stephen Colbert has the well-meaning but uninformed fool. Moses Gill had someone able to lead a state...
Julia: Again with Moses Gill. Leave Moses Gill alone, he never did anything to you!
Young: Anyway, when Sean Hannity, for example, wakes up, he is Sean Hannity. When he goes on air, however, he becomes a parody of those who watch his show. A satire of his target-audience. He mirrors what he sees. An uninformed, willfully ignorant, partisan, paranoid, hatefull jerk. It is the same with all of them, almost. Gretchen Carlson was valedictorian at her high-school and went to Stanford. Now she makes a living by pretending not to be able to spell "Gretchen".
Julia: Oh, geez.
Young: Yes, it is terrible.
Julia: No, the man on TV is crying.
Young: Like a baby?
Julia: Yeah, exactly like a baby.
Young: Like a big, fat bawling baby with a bad haircut and eyes like a pig?
Julia: Yeah, exactly like that.
Young: Oh, that would be Beck. He is legally mentally disabled. They let him on air as part of a deal with an institution, in order to get the mentally disabled out into the world and work, to make them feel good about themselves. I like the throught behind it, but I am not sure that it was a good idea to have him talk politics all day. I mean, people are gonna get tired of-
Julia: Shh! Friends are back on.
Young: Alright, just gonna sit here, reading my book in peace, not saying anything.
Julia: Shut up! I think Ross and Rachel are going to get back together.
Young: For the seventeenth time?
Julia: No. Nineteenth. Shut up.